The story of Martha and Mary in today’s Gospel is a wonderful description of family dynamics! This is a nice opportunity to have a good discussion as a family, about the importance of everyone’s responsibility for the happiness of family life. Is there a child who has ever lived, who has wanted to do chores around the house rather than play? Like certain commercials, is it sensible for a parent who has a crying hungry infant to say that they are going to take the day off from parenting? Is it acceptable for any of our brothers and sisters in the faith to only take and receive from the Church rather than be willing to give a little in return?
Psychologist Barbara Rogoff studied indigenous families in Mexico who for decades have experienced in their children a great and joyful desire to do chores. The study, published in 2014, has some of the most remarkable quotes I have ever seen in research. For example, one mother said her 8-year old daughter comes home from school and declares: “Mom, you’re really tired so I’m going to help you do everything.” Then she “picks up the entire house, voluntarily.” Volunteering to help is such an important trait in kids that Mexican families even have a term for it: acomedido.
One researcher says this is a complex term. It’s not just doing what you’re told, and it’s not just helping out. It’s knowing the kind of help that is situationally appropriate because you’re paying attention.
The same phenomena happens in other places in the world as well, and when it does, there is a clear pattern that emerges. Over and over again, researchers said one thing is key: embracing the power of toddlers. Believe it or not, they are referring to 1-3 year-olds who often are referred to as “terrible”. Tantrums are pretty much unavoidable, no matter where you live, but the second commonality is more positive: “Toddlers are very eager to be helpful,” says David Lancy. Toddlers are born to be assistants. Need help sweeping up the kitchen? Rinsing a dish or cracking an egg? No worries, toddlers will help. And they don’t need a reward for their assistance either! In fact, toddlers were less likely to help a second time if they were given a toy afterward.
One explanation, is that doing things with other people makes them happy and is important for their emotional development. They see what their parent or siblings are doing, and they want to do it. In our western culture, the problem comes when the toddler often helps and does not complete the task, or even makes a bigger mess, that the parent then thinks its easier to do the task themselves and have the kids go and play. In these other cultures the parent actually does the opposite. These parents invite the toddlers to watch the chores as often as possible, then if the child wants to participate they are welcome even if it means the task takes much longer. See it as an investment. Early opportunities to collaborate sets off a developmental trajectory that leads to children volunteering to help more.
There are some useful ideas from these studies just as from the story of Martha and Mary. We have to slow down what we’re doing. WE have to make allowances for mistakes.
In our parish community, there are many “chores” that need to be accomplished and it is something that is always better done in community. WE need to think that small tasks, DO make big contributions. The person who washes and irons the altar linens makes as much of an impact as the person who ministers communion. We need to always aim to work together and not think it is better to do it ourselves. WE can’t force stewardship and involvement, and we need to remember that children, teens, adults and the elderly all are worth our time and effort, and all can contribute.
The 2-year old who stirs the pancake mix today could turn into the 6-year old who makes the whole family breakfast, and then becomes the adult who helps make pancakes for the entire parish — and — feels darn good about it.